So, I've been thinking about doing this for a while to
be honest with you guys - those of you who follow me on Facebook will
know that I've already started the process of separating from my digital
persona over there. I want to say however that this decision did not
come easily - I cherish a great many of you as real, actual friends;
which is a thing I would not have thought possible a decade ago. Twitter
in particular is the home of a great number of people I would gladly
die to protect if the situation ever came up - and to the little kid
trolling forums in 1996, that seems impossible.
The truth is however, that I have to do this - my survival and
actualization as a person depends on it. I have spent my entire life
helping those in need around me and after almost 38 years on this Earth I
have come to realize that there will never *not* be someone in need of
my services. For whatever reason, *I* am the person in the room everyone
turns and asks "what next?" whenever the shit hits the fan. I don't say
this to boast, it's actually quite a lonely arrangement to tell you the
truth. I am somehow alone in a crowd, with a crowded alone - if you
know me well enough, that won't be hard to understand.
However, the time has come to end this arrangement. If you've been
paying attention to my social media feeds, you know that I'm in a pretty
bad place right now. I haven't discussed the reasons why and to be
frank, I won't do so here today either. It's private and it's never a
good idea to tell the world you're actually crazy - it precludes the
possibility of rejoining said world some day, and I like to keep my
options open. If I'm being honest, I should state that I am the struggle
of my life and it may well be for my life when all is said and done.
For that struggle, I shall need every single ounce of energy in my
being...
Do you understand what I'm saying? Dear friends, I have no desire to
abandon you but I simply cannot stop caring about you all - your hopes,
your dreams, your sadness, your pain. I care so deeply about you all
that when you come to me for help, I cannot but assist you with every
fiber of my being. Yet, there is simply not enough of me to accomplish
both goals - I cannot bring my mind to bear against the troubles I'm
facing and still devote my existence to helping those I love and cherish
when they are in need - which is apparently, pretty much all the time. I
can swallow no more pain; no matter how desperately it is needed of me,
because I'm too busy eating my own.
All around me I see people I grew up with - they're succeeding, and
doing so with far less ability than God has granted to me. I know, deep
down inside I was meant for more than this - maybe that's ego, or maybe
denying it for so long has been a way to hide my head in the sand from
the truth. I suppose history will write the answer, or write nothing at
all if I don't escape this cycle. Please believe me dear friends - if I
don't leave now, I will be dead before too long. I must focus my energy
on fixing my mind, my soul and my life now or I guarantee you there will
be no nina to help you in the future.
To this end - I will not be visiting any of my social media accounts
anytime soon. I don't know when I'll be back but assuming I do in fact
manage to get myself in order - I will be back. Do as you will with that
information - it is my hope that you understand and forgive me but I
have no right or desire to ask such of you.
So long - and thanks for the fish.
- nina
PS - I'm not leaving work as of yet, so if you follow this account
professionally, please disregard - you have my email, contact me that
way.
