With that out of the way, I'd like to take a moment to engage in the time honored tradition of eviscerating self-important jackanpes on the internet in what is commonly known as a "take-down." Please don't confuse this with any sort of discussion or debate, whose purpose is to promote dialogue and attempt to reach concennsus. I'm just mocking people who deserve to be mocked because I find it entertaining from time to time. With that, I'd like you to watch the following short video while I pray vigorously for God to have mercy on your soul:
Horrifying isn't it? After a staggering 27 minutes of semi coherent study, it is my scientific opinion that this video may in fact be so destructively soul warping that it could help you kill off aging relatives who have you in the will. Profit potential aside however this simple advertisement that runs less than 8 minutes in length cannot be observed by the human mind without inherently changing the individual who watches it permanently. To explore the truly devastating side effects of this production, I subjected myself to this experiment by watching the video and recording my observations on how it affects your average amateur behavioral scientist who may or may not have been high on dextromethorphan at the time. Don't ask, don't tell.
Based
on years of pretending to understand psychology and passing off pop
culture personality quizzes as my own philosophical writings, I feel
qualified to state that the healthy human mind can only process this
video in 4 distinct stages:
Stage 1: You first observe their clothes, mannerisms and affectations as your mind progresses to seemingly harmless laughter. You think "wow, you could not create two more stereotypical, white guy, neck-beard, self-important gamers if you tried". You'll probably notice that their both dressed entirely in black, that the little bald dude looks like Cypher from the Matrix and that both of them carefully staged the shoot with a variety of props to make them appear cool - a prominent guitar stand, a busy but messy desk to show off his artistic nature, an authentic scotch glass, a cigarette and a Zippo. The scene literally is an imported Japanese body pillow and a clove-laden Sherlock Holmes pipe away from destroying all reality as we know it. Finally this stage ends with the stunning realization that all of this was done with the intention of IMPRESSING YOU and inspiring the necessary investor confidence to obtain your money.
Stage 2: Your mind reeling from the mixture of horror and laughter inspired during stage 1, you quickly begin to question the ability of these two men to create a feature length film no matter HOW much money they have. After all, you already know they know virtually nothing about wardrobe or scenery and neither man is a particularly good public speaker. In fact, your inner troll gleefully points out that this is one of the most boring 8 minute videos on the internet and a feature film would be much longer than that. A half-assed glance at either man's profile makes it clear they are not professional film-makers at all. The closest either one has come to film making are some AMVs, rant videos and Vlog posts of extremely dubious quality. In fact, all you have to cling to in a desperate effort to maintain the idea that this is actually a professional film project is that these two guys keep saying "professional" or "high quality" every 30 seconds and some vague, HIGHLY UNREALISTIC promises of a theatrical release that's probably about as likely to happen as Obama handing Michelle over to ISIS for a night in an effort to promote Middle Eastern peace. There is no laughter now; only the cynical snicker of the disenchanted gamer as you realize that all is not well in the state of VidyaGameLand.
Stage 3 - At this point the situation is firmly into the realm of the absurd but it's not until this stage that the ordeal becomes truly horrifying. Once you stop laughing and actually listen to their spiel it becomes readily apparently that the project will have no journalistic value at all and is actually an extremely thinly-veiled excuse to collect like 75Grand to cut an hour long rant against all the "important people" in gaming that disagree with their seemingly extremist philosophies. They both talk a good game but the gleeful look in their eyes, the sardonic tones and the jackal smiles make it clear these boys are out for blood and pink slips. A quick check of both men's video's, profiles and blogs makes it clear that this is the case - multiple men's rights rants, essays and videos about how feminism is destroying everything. The little bald fucker will turn out to be Canadian Armed Forces and a History Professor. You'll read his wonderful academic theories about how women cannot be equal to men inherently - theories backed up by precisely nothing and poor quality writing for a Prof, might I add. Flashing back to the video you won't be able to close off your mind in time to avoid hearing the little fucker suggest the proposed movie might change the world without a God-damned hint of fucking irony. Finally, with your last ounce of sanity you may notice that the dude actually has "Confessions of an Online Hustler" on his reading list at this very moment - which should progress you nicely into the next stage.
Stage 4 - Battered, staggered and legitimately afraid; your mind will begin to withdraw into a shell and you may start talking aloud to yourself. Whether internally or externally, you'll note that this is all a big scam perpetrated by two self-important assholes to get back at 2-5 other self-important assholes who got to where THEY were by running scams and convincing gullible gamers that what THEY said mattered. You'll draw comparisons to the struggle for human rights in America, and the conflict between Israel and Palestine - the value of whipping extremists into a frenzy will become abundantly clear at this stage. It will dawn on you that none of these people matter - not Zoe Quinn, not Anna Sarkisian, not these two assclowns or the editor at Kotaku. You'll remember that Gawker and every Gawker website not named Deadspin has been complete garbage for years now. You'll remember that Indie Games are mostly fucking terrible, that everything you buy is made by major corporations that wouldn't put up with any of this shit in the fucking slightest and that all of these people have already ruined their careers before they got out of mom's basement.
At which point you'll laugh an empty, cynical laugh, close the video and go back to caring about real wars, relevant social issues and whether or not you set the DVR up to catch the next episode of Doctor Who. You won't be better or worse from the experience; but you will be different because you will well and truly not give a fuck about hipster douchebags who think they run gaming because they got a piece of shit game on Steam, run a Men's Rights Videogame Blog or wrote some trash on a Gawker website.
- Rauol Duke
At which point you'll laugh an empty, cynical laugh, close the video and go back to caring about real wars, relevant social issues and whether or not you set the DVR up to catch the next episode of Doctor Who. You won't be better or worse from the experience; but you will be different because you will well and truly not give a fuck about hipster douchebags who think they run gaming because they got a piece of shit game on Steam, run a Men's Rights Videogame Blog or wrote some trash on a Gawker website.
- Rauol Duke
